Christmas Eve will mark one year since I last spoke to my father. Last Christmas was a shitty one-- shitty for me, in my head. It was shitty because my heart wasn't in the efforts I put forth to ensure my family had a great holiday experience. I was a sham.

I hung up on my father last Christmas Eve after telling him my opinion of his parenting and of his grand-parenting. These were not positives. My rage was unleashed after he told me the reason for his call, that he would not be showing up the following day.

The things I said to him, or yelled at him, had been well rehearsed in my brain for years. They came out unedited. At the end of my explosion most of my words were probably indistinguishable due to my heavy sobbing.

This year + a few months have been long and lonely. As 2008 comes to an end I'm finding myself reflecting on not just this year but also 2007. I was in such a state of angst at the close of 2007 that I wasn't capable of self reflection. It's as if my life was proceeding with uninterrupted momentum but life was happening to me.

I'd like to say I learned a lot but nothing happened that I haven't lived through already. I've learned a lot about my influence on my kids. I am constantly reminded that I know nothing and I am here to learn, largely to serve as the best parent I can be.

J likes drawing spirals. I'm pleased to see this image on her paper or wipe board because the spiral is such a perfect icon of life. That symbol is so deeply embedded in us that at age two it can surface unprovoked.